Ponderance of Faith

I listened to an English teacher talking about a section in the Gospel of Mark, in which the reason why Jesus teaches through parables. It was interesting since several inferences are that he does not wish the 'secret to the Kingdom of God' be given freely. It suggests the 'Word' be taught through parables, sort of cryptic messages or metaphors, so that only those capable of true belief will understand and are then bestowed forgiveness. Otherwise, if freely taught then all people might take on belief in a superficial manner and though undeserving receive the blanketing forgiveness.

I do not wish to make anyone uncomfortable. Christians have a tendency of getting defensive and some secular individuals uncomfortable as they feel an oncoming lecture of damnation/inferiority... So, Before that happens here I got into some free writing. So forgive me if it does not flow and seems a bit random. I'm not going to do much to organize my thoughts beyond what comes to mind.

I consider myself a member on the later group, uncomfortable with discussions of faith. At least, I feel so with most Christians. Its not hard since history has shown us this group has a tendency of going around and imposing its beliefs upon people under the guise that they know better than we do what may be good for us. Some of this has changed and I get a sense from some that they genuinely are concerned about my mortal soul. I have also found that their own lives were altered by faith and they simply find themselves wishing to share the wonderful experience with others. I equate this to some delicious dessert you just HAVE to try. That is fine but perhaps I just do not like the combination of dark chocolate and coffee.

I have been perceived as an individual standing at the middle of a teeter totter trying to balance myself. What lies on either side depends upon the person judging me. (Call it what you like, observations, assumption... its judging, we all do it whether we like it or not. Its a natural human behavior.) It could be between damnation and salvation or simply a less fulfilled life versus divine love and acceptance. My problem lies in that I do not see myself trying to keep from falling to one side or the other. I think that in my visualization of the universe, I have put my feet together and planted myself firmly upon the fulcrum and am in no danger of slipping left or right or falling straight down. I simply stand.

I am told of unconditional love and when it is explained to me, almost immediately it is followed by a condition of how I am to be given this love. Acceptance of Jesus or God, it seems rather simple. So why is it that I find myself stepping away from this 'unconditional love'? It is something we would all really like to have I am sure... but when I am told what I have to do to receive unconditional love the logic part of my brain goes all flashy lights and beeping alert sort of stuff. Because unconditional means that I do not need to do anything.

I can sit on my butt here and breathe, staring off at the little snowman stocking that hangs out of season on the floor lamp in my living room... blink... blink... glance briefly at the yellow crackled lamp shade hanging in the kitchen. Looking back to the snowman and the black floor lamp, hold the inhale... an exhale sort of faster, heavier like a sigh... and I am loved. I accept nothing and repel nothing. I do not declare that my soul is free of all that is vile. I do not even think of how I am loved. I just sit, breathe, and stare.

And if I got up to make myself a sandwich, or kiss my husband, or curse at the neighbor for something... I am still loved. It never changes, I am not loved any more for donating to the little league boys outside my grocery store or less because I thought the person driving ahead of me was an idiot for slowing down so much to make a right turn. That is unconditional love...

oh the points I could touch on but my exhaustion is catching up with me. To bed I go and perhaps tomorrow I will write about something else, the same thing, or nothing at all. The Christian God defined by the print in the Christian Bible will love me for all I do. Even if his followers shake their heads and sadly imagine cloudy paradise where they will never see me.